My Family
If you are reading this and I am long gone, I know it sounds bad, I am a bad writer.
I never loved anyone the way I love you Josie
I never loved anyone the way I love you Macky
I never loved anyone the way I love you Sam
Anyway,
never forget, I love you each, no matter how much I hurt or angry I
sound. None of that matters, just I love you with all my heart. If you
are better humans without me, well I love you that much. Happy
Holidays and I hope all your dreams come true. If you want your father
back, come true and I never left, for the millionth time I am right
here.
Never
forget, I am your father, I love you each more than I have ever loved
any thing or person or place or idea ever. That never changes, no
matter how much it hurts. Papa loves you. ALWAYS, even when it hurts
and I am angry, thats temporary, my infinite love is ALWAYS there. You
are forgiven, always, even after I die.
I got jipped. That's how it feels. This writing started on Sam's birthday 2020, as a birthday wish. I quickly realized all the tears I've cried were not leaving a mark. Here are my calories, I will type until I tell this story, as it appears to me. As always, I will be on the look out for p-hacking, I do not want bias, no fake news on purpose, that you can be assured.
[2/1/2022]
I never loved anyone the way I love you Josie
I never loved anyone the way I love you Macky
I never loved anyone the way I loved you Sam
Your father never rejected you, it never happened. Your absence in my life was torture. I just love you so so much. Again, I didn't do anything at you to deserve this.
I should have had you kids with somebody I loved. Your mother should have realized nobody wanted to have babies with her and left me out of it. Instead she trapped me for money and babies because she didn't have any money and nobody wanted to have babies with her.
I was on a double date the night she asked me out. In no time she is pregnant and yelling at me that I have to marry her. We did not like each other, or know anything about each other. She liked my paycheck, not me. That is trapping someone.
I am so so very sorry I did not know how to be your father or that I did not how to fix this.
she trapped us, blackmailed me and parent alienated us. It is what happened. Again, I didn't do anything at you kids. I made a normal number of normal mistakes. I regret each mistake. As it happened, compared to other trapped men I stood up for you kids from the second I found out you were cells. I never stopped loving you. You were always my first though in the morning and last thought before I fell asleep.
Being rejected by your own kids is a misery I hope none of you experience. You are not proud of me, I am not your hero, you think me unworthy. I love you more than anything anyway.
I love you each, and all, every second of every minute. I miss you with all my heart. Your father never rejected you, anyone who let you think that knows it;s not true, so shy did they let you think it? Don't live scarred that your father rejected you, it did not happen I was dismissed. Alienated by the other parent.
[1/3/2022]
Happy Birthday son. Using that word makes me cry. I miss you every single second. I am trying I swear, to find a way to have it occur to you that I didn't do it. I never kicked you out, I never left you, I miss you every single second.
What a jip for you kids. Your father loves you and pines for you every day. You are the most beautiful boy. But, you are a man. I've not had a hug or proud look from my son in like 7 years is it now.
I should have had you three kids with someone I loved, she should have had you kids with someone she loved. Instead she did this. I'm the only father you have and I love you with all my heart son. And you think I'm a loser and left you. It's simply not true. I love you son. Even though I don't get to know who you are.
In any event, even though the three of you are not proud of me and think I am a loser. The reality is that is not true, she "alienated" us. Since it is not true, never feel unsafe. I can always and have always taken care of my children.
So, since the 'me being a loser' thing isn't true, just know, you can have my last penny, calorie, kidney, thought and feeling. I am your father I can take care of you. All by myself, and I have. I would again. No other human can say that. Only me. Your only father, as thats as it should be.
It's true, the only human to pay all of your bills for one month ever, is me. For years, those bills got to $23K per month. That money is why she trapped me. She had not one penny to help. That money is why she trapped me. There are bank records for years, this is the truth.
She never could have raised you. No judge on earth could have her custody. I can pass psych tests (I was trusted with billions of dollars, they test sometimes, your loser dad), I make money, she is trapping me, not a chance.
Your lifestyle is attained mostly at birth, the one you are born into. Had she not trapped me that would have been your lifestyle, poor. Had I died 4 years in and not gone back to NY you would have been poor. Go look, bank records etc.
I am your, a little kind of decently successful compared to 97.4% of dads, not loser dad. Mom stole, from us, she stole a father from you kids. She stole, you kids and money she never could have used, from me.
Anyway, for me this does not get easier, it's pain that is ever present and acute and exhausting. I will never get too tired and I will find a way so you can see me as the people who me love do.
In the end you are always safe from things a parent can do. Because I am your father and not a loser, she lied, and I love you with all my heart. I promise to be the first parent in our family to not die in debt, I will leave you something. I am not in debt now, I don't owe anyone anything. Your cousins will get nothing, neither will me and my siblings.
All of it from here on out, is for a safe retirement with leaving as much for you three as possible. You three with me are the aspirational "us" in usbook.
As for while I'm still alive. I have the start of a plan. I swear to you, I will not cheat. I simply would want to know what the most likely answer is. So, I think I might ask the state to take a look.
I think when this next move completes, before my last move, I am going to look into suing your mom. It's just me who deals with this pain everyday. You kids feel it less consciously. Josie to my face "We are used to not having you around"
I will never ever ever get used to this. It is the center of my existence. Three kids who think I'm a loser deadbeat dad and do not want me and blame me for leaving? It's bizarre. Mom did this.
Since my pop died, no one cares if I'm wronged. So, I am thinking of asking a judge, to look at the dates and bank accounts balances and outcomes and facts, and see if we four were parent alienated by your mother. I promise you I dont cheat, not even at bar pool. If I do this, it wont be to win. I would want the state to answer the question.
Do I not have my children because she trapped me for money, then parent alienated my children from me? If so she should not be allowed to ruin my life and get away with it, someone has to care about me.
If she did it, you kids are gaslighted and cant see it. Maybe if the state says so, you might start to see it.
I didnt do anything at you son. I got trapped and stood tall. While I hated the stranger yelling at me for four years, Loved every second that you permitted me me be your father.
All I want in life is for you to want me to be your father again, forever this time. I miss you kids, painfully, every single second.
Not pulling at you three is the most difficult thing I have ever done. I will carry this water for all of us. I hope you are happy son. Man I miss you. Your hugs were so tight, you loved me so much. I didn't do anything at you son. I really really didn't. Ok, I'm crying to much to type now.
Remember, we can have our miseries, but it doesn't mean we have to be miserable. Be happy as you can.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I never loved anyone they way I love you Macky.
Happy Birthday Son,
Love pop.
[12/26/21]
Dear Son, just htink the words make me cry. So I am crying as I type. I am desperate to know the opportunity for you kids to see I didn't do anything at you.
You thikn I left you, and I would never nd did not
Josie looks at me like I am a disgusting piece of shit, its horrible
Sam think I'm a dead beat loser dad and is so ashamed she didnt want her bf parents to meet me. That's fucked up. Man I cried so hard that day.
It's parent alienation. I'll write more next week on your birthday. Tonight is for crying. I miss you every single day. If I;m dead, I swear to you zi never left you. You guys kicked me out. I loved you every second, don't you dare think I rejected you.
Your mom parent alienated me, if you look into that you'll see it's 100 what happened.
Anyway, I am looking for how to change the context. Facts don't help. All I know is my kids are not proud of me, think I left them, dont want to participate with me, and have erased all the years and calories and like 4 million, that I alone earned, dollars I spent raising you those first 21 years of kids.
Why do you guys think I ma a dead beat dad? That's ridiculous. Your mom has never paid all of your bills for one month ever. How did that backwards. My paycheck is why she trapped me. I should have had you kids with someone I loved and she should have had you with someone she loved. She did this at us instead. On purpose.
I have not hugged you since you were 15. My only son. This is horrible. Anyway, now I'm crying too much. I'll write on your birthday, son. Fuck! any time I think the word son I just cry. How the fuck did this happen, I didn't do anything at my kids.
I love you Mack Macky? how would I know. I miss you every second, I swear I never ever would leave you, I was discarded. Your mom did this at us, for money shes sick. Go look at bank records dates etc...she did this. Selfish and sick. For money.
[10/18/21]
Happy Happy Birthday! Josie Rose, a mystery to me. We had one hour, you were just born, the Jets were on, you slept on me half the game. Your baby kisses were the coolest. But, that's all I got from my baby. Her glances let me know she thought I was gross. I get it, my mom is gross, I just never let her know it. I don't know anything about you. My baby, crunchie baby. I didn't do anything at you Josie. I love you with all my heart. The unkindest words I ever heard were declaring "We're used to not having you around". I never would have let this happen if it were the other way, at your mom and not at me, never. I never left any of you.
I love you Josie, none of this is real. I am now, and always was your loving father, who you were gaslighted into thinking left you. I did not, I was forced out by all of you. But the reality is, you can have my last second, my last kidney, my last dollar, my last thought my last bit of love, anytime you kids want. Any time. Nothing can change that. I never left you, your daddy never would.
And btw, I paid for it all, your mom did not. It's why she trapped me. Me alone, our bills were $23K a month I paid every cent, every month, for years. She trapped me because of this one reason. She accomplished nothing and never once her life could have paid your bills even for one month. Ever. I did that.
Then I helped her, thousands every month, then the rich guy comes along, all good. But, I am the only human to ever have paid all of your bills, for even one month. I did so for years, better than 96% of fathers. These are numbers, there are bank records. I was not a dead beat dad that's ridiculous, I just don't talk about money.
Your mom, a woman I had dated a couple of weeks, had not seen in years, gets on the 1 train, intentionally pregnant, with a plan. Why did she do that? I should have had you kids with someone I loved. She should have had you kids with someone she loved. We got robbed. When I said "NO" she should have taken her broke, pushing 40, alone, living in queens, ass and left. But somehow look how it ended up, just as if she gaslighted it all, from the one train. She stole. I hope you nor your sister ever do anything like that to a man ever. Only a sicko would.
I love you Josie even though you don't love me. I cry for you every day of your life. If I'm croaked and your reading this and dont care, whatever, I lost. If you do care, I forgave you a long time ago, she did this, intentionally, on the 1 train. I never lost at anything so bad in my entire life.
I love you with all my heart. I hope this life you walk without your actual father who loves you, is the best one for you. If not, I am right here. Any time you want your father, I would never leave my children. I would never have done this at your mother. I love you Josie, with all my heart, to the other side of the last universe and back.
[10/05/2021]
Happy Happy Birthday! It's like 6am, woke crying. You were 18, I dropped you off at school, I saw once a year for 10 mins, like I was chore and a had done something at you. I didn't do anything at you Sam. Now you are 25, so basically I have not seen you in a long time.
One day a woman got off the 1 train at 72nd St. & Broadway, She was pregnant, with man she did not know, did not like, did not love. On the train, she is not thinking of you, she is not thinking of me. She is thinking she is pushing 40, had accomplished literally nothing. Broke, in queens, not a pot or pan, nothing. So, she did it, she found a guy making $16,000.00 to $23,000.00 each month, and she wanted it. So, she took it, on purpose.
What was she thinking on the train? The words she would yell at me in a few minutes? "I'm pregnant, you have to marry me", were her exact words. I laughed and said no because, well, I was already done and was not going to see her anymore, told Scotty B that I would not need the car anymore for Queens, I was two weeks & done. All she does is yell, and we are not suitable at all.
Besides, I'm 32 and doing fine, the idea of marrying her was stupid, anyone really, all she did was yell at me, I was done.
She gaslighted me. She would not leave and make her choice. She knew no judge could you to her broke ass who is trapping me. She was desperate and stealing. That is what happened. Not something else. Now almost 26 years later, here we are, robbed.
That is the bug here. She is a bully. There is no math beyond why she didn't show up like a normal, not sick, person, and calmly express something accidentally happened. This was not an accident, it was an intentional act.
I should have had you children with somebody I loved
She should have had you children with somebody she loved
She had a better idea. She was going to steal from you kids and me. You should have had parents who loved and liked each other, there is one reason you don't. She wouldn't leave because she did it on purpose. It wasn't love. Gaslighting is what bullies do, it makes up into down.
For example, I earned and spent between 1 and 2 million dollars raising you kids, she did not. Yes she has you thinking I am a deadbeat dad. It's nuts. Only one human has ever paid all 3 of your bills for even one month, me. Yet I am a deadbeat in your minds. Up is down, down is up., there are bank records, it's not a matter of opinion Sam.
I'm sure I'm dead now, and never saw you kids again. I missed you and loved you and cried for you every single day. You could have had your father your entire lives, you thought I was a loser and disgusting. Gaslighted.
You three could have had my last second, my last kidney, my last penny or all the space you need. I love you three children, it's my best truth.
So, if I'm wrong about this, why did it end up exactly as if I were 100% correct? Coincidence? She is even wealthier, yet never earned it, and has all the kids, and got rid of the mess (me). She gaslighted you three. And now you three think your father kicked you out and did stuff at you and doesn't love you.
"Parent Alienation", if you care, like if your 57 yourself today, google it, you'll see, scientists say it's a perfect fit. I died knowing I Love each of you with all my heart. My heat is devastated every single day.
I feel bad for parents who made a mistake or two outside the lines. I DID NOT!!!! My conscience is clear. Heart broken, clear conscience. Not for one second, I never neglected you or abused you or was inconsistent, I did not deserve this, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING AT MY CHILDREN, NORMAL NUMBER OF NORMAL MISTAKES FULL STOP!
She did this.
I hope you get to read this before you die, I hope you don't died thinking I didn't love you with all my soul.
I have been madly in love with you three kids since I found out each of you were tiny cells, and never stopped, ever. She is awful to do this, sick and awful. You are grown ups no reason not to type truth. She is sick and ruined lives for her own personal instinct satisfaction. She is disgusting.
Remember that day you looked at me said, not angry, just confused, because I mentioned that I gave 750$ a month every month, plus phones and any trips anything your mom ever asked for. Like 10K a year for school? But you looked at me said "No you didn't", that's gaslight, your mom makes it seem like she did it. There are bank records sam, this is not a matter of opinion. Gaslighted makes the true false. How many examples do you need? How come there no examoles of me doing that?
That's what gaslighting does. Macky thinks I kicked him, and she lets him!!!! That's disgusting, that's his father, who never would and didn't kick him out. Yet, now he hasn't a father, but her life is less messy and clean
We was robbed. By her.
I don't who you are, where you are, what you do. I hope you are havung the best life you can. If you ever want your father back, I never ever ever left. All you have to do is come at me and other tell me what I did, or cry with me that we were gaslighted and you are forgiven. I didnt do anything to you Sam,
I don't deserve this, we were gaslighted. I love you with all my heart, and I will leave you alone, so I never cause you face to contort like that ever again. I love you Sam. And Josie and Macky, with all my heart. I didn't do anything at you.
Happy Birthday. Man I can't wait until Jan 4th, this is nothing by crying until then. One holiday and birthday after the other. I didn't do anything not to have earned your appreciation love respect. NOTHING. I don't deserve this.
Happy Birthday Sam. Poppa loves you, eskimno & butterfly, score-score! I iss you every day.
[8/22/21]
just love you kids, every day. It's been a few months, fathers day was tough. I just love you each with all my heart. Macky, I never ever ever ever kicked you out of our house. It simply did not happen. Your father was madly in love with idea of you. At birth, every day I went twice a day alone to spend tome with you in the hospital, I fell more and more in love with you my son. Your father is super proud of you and lives with you all in his heart. Every second since you were cells.
We were gaslight. It happened, this is how it turned out. Sam Joe, I know you are ashamed I am your father. It's backwards, you're actually gaslight. I am not a loser, I did not fail you, I paid for you, I was there and love you with all my heart.
The things you think are not true. If you ever realize that, just know your pop was madly in love with each of you. Don't trap anyone, and don't get trapped, it's really really mean.
I love you. That's all there is. I love you three humans, that's all there is. Protect the true, and the plural.
Love Pop,
Become friends with each other, care about each other.
[5/21/21]
Lately I cry all the time. I always wake and sleep with you three as my first and last thought But it's awful. You think I did something and I'm loser and you don't give two fucks about me. It's the worst feeling ever. I didnt do anything at you, you lying pieses of shit. I didnt do anything at you!! What the fuck did I do? You lkying pieces of shit. I wake with anger and tears every single day and fall asleep the same way.
So, in the end you made me sad and miserable and hurt me more than I have ever hurt anyone in my life ever. Why? NO REASON AT ALL I DIDNT DO ANYTHING AT YOU! and I DIDNT DO ANYTJHING TO YOU TODESERVE THS YOU ARE GING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS T SOME POOINT IN YOUR LIVES. I DIDINT DO nygthing to you!!
i made anormal number o0f normal mistake nf you thre mw away like i am a piece of human shit.
1) I kicked Macky out of my house -LIE #1
2) I forced Macky to play baseba;; - LIE #2
3) I am an alcoholic - LIE #3
4) I am a drug addict - LIE #4
I hd to mention to Sam I have her 10,000 a year for college, she looked at me and respnded :No you didnt". These thngs are not a matter of opinion. Yes I did, I did not kick anyne out, I am not an alcoholic or a drug addict, I did not force anyone to plau baseball and I did in fact give at least 10,000 a year for college, see how non of those things are true/ I do, veryone else can, they are lies, they are not true, I am innocent. I didnt do anything at my children, its lies, called parent alienation. Why else would you think the lies. Josie thought I was a dead-beat da, at 14 she said so. It's insane. I was the bread winner and I did that beter than 95% of dads.m She is the loser and had to trap me and marry rricher guy. I gave her thousdands a month every single month, gladly you RE MY KIDS. It's so fucked up. Lies lies lies, always protect the true. I hope your kids dont mistreat you the way mine mis treated me, like I am a opiece of human shit.
I DIDNT DO ANYTHING AT MY CHILDREN. I MADE A NORMAL NUMBER OF NORMAL MISTAKES PERIOD FULL STOP. SO WHY DONT I HAVE MY KIDS?
So, still to this very day, those are THE reasons I have been given, I know of no other reason. LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES! FUCK YOU!!
I love you three with all my heart. You can tell from all the calories, all the hugs all the kisses all the time all the money I spent on you htree growing up. In return you lied and treated me like a piece of human shit, not good enough to even have diner ith same boyfrineds parents. Still the biggest insult of my life.
Lets get this straight. 4 years intpo being trapped by you mother, I leave DC for NYC to work. If I had died in stead, think for a second, soiunds convenonet, but then there is no europe, no smart phones, no tulane not nothing. Fhe bill are n$160,000 eCH AND EVERY MONTH that is why your loser mother trapped me. She had nothng. The reon you got to do all the fance stuff is ME, not her! There would be no Steve no rich step dad just a loser mother, probaboly back in Buffaloe so you three sleep in Joanies basement unitl your mom can rent some little apratment a or house. POERIOD.
I am nnot the fucking loser. She has never once ever once ever ever ever ever fucking ever paid your bills for one month, period. You got this rong and nhurt me so fucking bad you liars. Not Josie, she is too hones, her disgust fo rme sh e was unable to hide ever, she things I'm disgusting and pooks and treated me that way. Like it was awfulk to give her pop a hug. MY is disgisting and did neglect me and I didnt do that hto her. hasnk alot.
[3/15/21]
I promised myself I would not write again until fathers day. But every day it hurts so much. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING AT MY CHILDREN!! Fuck, this sucks, I am crying and sobbing uncontrollably tonight, it's one of those nights. Why couldn't Macky have just said I don't like my dad. Why did he have to lie about me. I NEVER KICKED ANY OF YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!! Sam is ashamed I am her father, and Josie looks at me like I am a piece of human shit since she could walk. Wonderful. Two weeks, she got everything she could have wanted, and me out of the way, and you three look at me and see what she sees. So you think I left you, WHICH I DID NOT!!!!!!! I got no reason to lie to my own fucking journal. I have never hurt anyone as much as this hurts. I DIDNT DI ANYTHING AT MY CHILDREN, ANYONE WHO SYAS I DID IS A FUCKING LIAR. THEY THINK I AM SHIT AND DONT WANT ME AND INSTEAD OF SAYING TAT THEY LIED ABOUT AND TREATED ME LIKE I WAS HUMAN SHIT NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO MEET THE BOYFRINEDS PARENTS. MY TEN THOUSAND A YEAR WAS DISMISSED AS CHUMP CHANGE COMPARED OT THE RICH BOYFRIENDS PARENTS I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO MEET. I AM HUMAN SHIT JUST ASK MY EX AND HER CHILDREN. DO NOT ASK THE OTHER PEOPLE IN MY LIFE THEY WONT KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. There is a reason you three see me as she does, not as all the other people on my life. The same reason my life was stolen in two weeks. It's immoral, she did it and never stopped. Man this hurts.
Whatever...I have to start to froeget about you three,..it hurts sooooooo mcuh, that you, you gave me so muych please...no you hurt me and treat me like fuck loser...I didnt do anything to yuo, I know rthat, fuvk you three kids! fuck you!!
In think of what happened to me growing up and what i did for you three, fuck you! I cant stop crying, I nEver cired, fuck you!! IT hurts so much. WHY? FUCKING ANNE FEENeY IS A FUCKING CUNT! I FUCKING HATE THAT FUCKING CUNT BITCH PSYCHO LOSER FUCKING NUT JOB.
If I had died instead of going bck to NY to work, your mom could not pay the bills, at 16,000 a month, you grew up with the lifestyle you were born into, ME, not her, me. Ingrates. How would she provide all those smart phones, europe? Tulane? Not a chance, not one fucking chance. So she is the one you credit with all this shit, yet she has never paid your bills of one month of your lives. The truth in this dynamic is lost. I seem to be the only one interested in the truth.
I get it, you think I am a loser, dead beat dad. that is so fucked up. I am literally the reason you had everything the first 7 years, then me and and her, then me her and steve. I am the only one who has paid your bills for a month ever. But go ahead, make it like she did it all. False after false after flse, I hate false. lies and lies and lies. Awesome. Thanks alot kids. I know you dont care, dont think about me or gve a fuck, by my hear is devastaed, I have never hurt this bad in my life. So, for all I did for you, and with the knowledge I didnt do anything O didnt sleep beat or rape you, I didnt sleep neglect, I paid for your shit, I got you to europe and Tulane, and in return you lie and lie and lie and treat me like fucking loser. Good job. When it hits you I didnt di aything at you, its going to hrt. Nothing we can about that, it your moms fault, she trapped me and you hurt now, because you lied and destroyed my heart..that is why you hurt, you do that because you mom is a nut job it is calle "Parent ALienation" just google it matches exaclty. Ecisnce, trtih, I love math, the truth cant hurt you. Its the false that hurts, like me today, and all the false you three kids propogat abo tme. I ddnt do anything at ypu. PERIOD FULL STOP. NORMAL NUMBER OF NORMAL MISTAKES that is ths father you had. Had, in the past, you dont have one anymore, becuase you thrrew him away.
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The irony, Anne could not have financially paid for you three for even one month of you lives. I PAID FOR YOU. When we split, I paid. I mean if I had died she could afford to feed you and that but where would you live without the thousands I gave her every month? Remember Katie, growing up in apartments? I alone put you in DC Ranch, that is why your mom trapped me, so she could live like that. That was her intent. Two weeks. Yet the years pass I never discuss money and now I am the loser? Wow! Let that sink in. Anne could not have supported and paid your bills for even one month of your life. And you treated me like I was a loser. Nice. She always had me, me and steve or steve, ALWAYS, never not for one month ever, could she have raised you. These are facts.
[1/3/2021]
Happy birthday son. I will leave you alone as per your wishes. As always, whenever you realize I didn't do anything at you to deserve this, you can have your father bck, literally any time. again and always, the reasons given to me are not true. Never were, never will be. Ever.
I remember my favorite birthday of yours, there are two. I tried to have your friendships stat well, because me and you as kids had a hard time forming friends. Anyway, i got all these nerf guns and as your new school friends showed up, all nervous, they had to arm themselves against your much bigger gun. That was a fun birthday. I got so many Macky hugs that night. But years later, it was mom's year but it was small at her house. I threw together a party on your birthday at Dave and Busters, last minute and all. You looked at me insides Dave & Busters and really thanked me. I love you son, always have, every second of every minute of every day, I never kicked you out, I would never.
If it;s decades from now and I am dead, and it hits you, I didnt do anything at my children to deserve this, I forgave you long ago. All that matters is you kid live your best life, if that's without me, so be it. I think this is a mistake, I think the lessons I had for you would have served you better, all three of you, than the path you chose. Shit I would not have made anyone chose.
My fears for you were two fold. Relationships, ths is a skill, I learned it later also, I tired to help you younger "nice shirt Macly" etc...you rejected ti for some misanthropic path. I hoe you are not too alone in that. Do you have a best friend? A group to belong to not related to anything like school or work?
and to, that baseball throwing, you could but your brain wouldnt. What else are you not accomplishing, that you can, but your brain says "Nope"? That scares me also. Both of those things wre on my mind as I messing up your childhood. How did it turn out?
I am trying real hard to leave you kids money, enough to not worry money. So, if it didn't work out too too well, there is time and maybe I can help make you trip easier. Sorry son, I wish I was the dad you wanted. You are the son I wanted, every day. I love you son, with all my heart. I miss you every second.
So, that;s it today. Hopefully the pains wont come so often, until fathers day, then my birthday when I wont hear from any of you. The it starts the season all over again, birthdays and holidays until jan 3. If you ever want your father back, I am right here, I never left. I love you son, I miss my son and Mack hugs. I never loved anyone, the way I love you Macky.
[12/30/20]
The days are hard, I think about you 3, and you dont want me, and you tell people I was a bad father and the anger boils. It;s so fucked up, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING AT MY CHILDREN! When you indicate that I was bad, what do you image people think? I didnt do any of those things!!!! when is any one of you going to realize that? Ever? I didnt do anything at you!! You literally threw me away. And blame me for it. Here are my words, I want my children as I ALWAYS have, always never not for a second, its bullshit, lies and bullshit. fuck! The anger boils sometimes.
Sam, me being dis-included to that graduation diner the night before, FUCK YOU! Next time someone loves you this much and gives you 10 grand a year for education, include them, smile at them, say thank you and dont bark and snarl at them and disrespect them. I now know you think I am not god enough to sit with you and your boyfriend and his parents. fuck you, fuck your boyfriend and fuck your boyfriends parents. SHAME ON YOU! SHAME ON YOU! SHAME ON YOU! YOU SHAME ME! I cant believe I ever saw you as my mini me. Fuck you. Shame on you. Shame on you. Shame.
I try to imagine, your mom is going to make this call, what do you think I did at you? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING AT MY CHILDREN, FUCK YOU!
What is the point of this? Why do I feel this lousy all the time? Why didn't I get good kids? Serial killers have kids make peace and visit them, but not me, I am worse than a serial killer. This is insane! We were gaslighted. From day one. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING AT YOU!!! Why did that fucking nutjob trap me? Well the universe did send me Abrian, Kyle, Shane and Alex...just not my own kids. Little lying ingrates. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING AT MY CHILDREN.
Man them treating me this way, throwing me out and blaming ME (AGAIN I AM RIGHT HERE. I WANT MY CHILDREN. AS I ALWAYS HAVE.). What must the people who know those three strangers think of me? They must think I was some piece of shit. Neglectful, and absent, and not paying,and caring. FUCK YOU THREE FOR LETTING PEOPLE THINK THAT. SHAME ON YOU! THAT IS NOT TRUE! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU! I DIDNT DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT, YOU SIMPLY DONT WANT ME AND ENJOY PEOPLE THINKING I DID SOMETHING AT YOU, FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU...LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR....I DIDNT DOI ANYTHING AT MY CHILDREN!!
Josie was clear one day, you guys are used to not having me around. You left. The amount of pain you three create in me is really fucked up. I'll never get used to it. I'll never understand what you think I did. Now I'm almost more upset at what people think of me than you being gone. Macky it's 7 years since I hugged my son. Fuck you, you stole him from me, over lies and bullshit. The least you could do is let me know you wont lie any more. I was not your cup of tea, you prefer life without me. I want you, you dont want me, that is the actual fucking truth and always has been. Just say that. My mom wrote people that I did something, fuck you three, I DID NOT!! Shame on you for letting people think that.
There now I feel better. No I dont. It just hurts. Thanks a lot! I didnt do anything to you to deserve this. Then of course it passes, I cry and know with all my heart I love you each with every cell in my being. Always will. any time you want your father, you, not these three strangers who lie about me, but my kids, who i tucked in and read to, played with, made birthdays for for xmas, the ones I was patient with and there for, the ones who spent all my money, when those kids find out their father didnt do anything at them and they are sorry for all this pain, and grateful that I took all this pain and did not burden any of you with it, that is very very hard, to leave you alone.
I want to speak and see you and hug you each all the time. I didnt do anything at you. Mom does the best she can but she is an actual nut job...you three look at me as she sees me, the other 200 people in my life think thats nuts. Maybe its both, but I did not trap her, I did not blackmail her, I dont remember doing anything immoral at her ever. We did not like each other, but I did not do these immoral type things at her (trapping, blackmailing, she did these things, intentionally, no escaping that).
So I live day to day wondering what specific thing you think I did. Knowing there isnt any, so either you simply dont want me, which says something about you. Or we were gaslit, Just say that do not lie and indicate I did some fatherly sin. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING AT MY CHILDREN! goddammit that's frustrating, you gotta stop lying. either you just dont want me, or the gaslighting from moment one to now has you three seeing me like this. Not as the people in my life see me, but as your mom does. What makes more sense? I didnt do anything so it cant be because I raped you or beat you or didnt feed you or was mean or didnt love you or didnt tuck you in or didnt bathe you or didnt supply you with like everything, it cant be that becaue that would be all lies. Man, it's frustrating.
Imagine some third party reading this asking you, "Is this true, did he do all the father stuff? Coached the trams, that whole list he just typed, He never abused you or negelected you, wasnt absent? What he's writing is accurate? Well why don't you have a dad then? Sounds like a decent dad." How would you answer? I didnt do anything. Fuck.
So, one day one of you will come texting, with an I'm sorry. You will immediately be forgiven if you are truly sorry. This is too much pain sometimes. I love you each, with all my heart and all my soul. I'm here, waiting for the universe to right this wrong. I hope that happens before I die. If not, well, I taught you growing up, there are some mistakes you dont get to make. Throwing away a father you were obligated to respect and appreciate if not like and or love is your failing, not mine. If I'm dead, let it go. No point in all of us suffering. I love you, but man this hurts, I am hoping after Macky's birthday, all the holidays and birthdays done. Les pain until fathers day when again I wont get anything, then my bday again they dont care, then all the bdays all over again. Please let this stop after Macky's bday for a while this sucks.
I never loved anyone the way I love you Josie
I never loved anyone the way I love you Macky
I never loved anyone the way I love you Sam
[12/25/2020]
[crying time before I cook :)]
Christmas is too hard. 7 years since I held my son. They were being brats, I could not even get a photo, back to mom's early and from that, all this. Wow, if I could do one morning back, it would be that one. I didn't do anything at my kids. I do not deserve to be celebrating with other peoples kids. I did more than enough, I stood up, I was there, I deserve more than this. I didn't do anything at my kids to deserve this. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday, the only day I saw my mom and dad in the same room, and the only day anyone gave a shit about me. I made you kids xmas, every year, you didn't want to be there, with me. That's it, I think. You simply don't want me. So, now everyone has what they want. Except me, again. I am gone, out of the way, and blamed for it.
Kids, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING AT YOU TO DESERVE THIS. I want you in my life every second since I found out your were cells. You keep trying to convince me I left you. I DID NOT, I WOULD KNOW!!! All my words from that day to this are "come here", none are "go away". So, you have convinced everyone else, my mom, brother, ali, everyone that I did something???? I raped or beat or abused or was a shitty dad who wasn't there or left you dirty or whatever...none of that is true, none of it...
If you got here from being gaslight I understand
If not, shame on you, letting people think this about me, my own mother types to friends and family that I did something, not naming anything, as I didn't do anything. That is a shitty lie to tell.
I am sorry you don't have the father you want, i get no father's day wishes, no birthday card no thanksgiving or xmas love, just out if sight out if mind. I got dumped by my kids. (I follow your lead here and leave you be on these special days where I miss you the most, I do not want to ruin them). As always, any time you want to come at me with true, either what I did or the realization that I didn't do anything to deserve this, then you can have your father back at moment until I die and even after.
Please do not lie to my grandkids, I was there, I did a perfectly
serviceable job at being there and a dad. Do not lie, I did not abuse
you or neglect you in any way. You say that, you just dont like me.
Say that. No more lies.
If you are reading this and I am long gone, I know it sounds bad, I am a bad writer.
Never forget, I am your father, I love you each more than I have ever loved any thing or person or place or idea ever. That never changes, no matter how much it hurts. Papa loves you. ALWAYS, even when it hurts and I am angry, that's temporary, my infinite love is ALWAYS there. You are forgiven, always, even after I die.
I haveapologized a bucnh, I still am not sure for what, as none for you will tell me anything other than
1) I kicked Macky and or all of you out of our house
2) I forced Macky to play baseball
3) I am a drug addict
4) I am an alcoholic
That's it, that's all I have been told, it;s cruel. none fo that is true, It;s cruel. But I'll carry this, that's how much I love you kids :) But it is fucking cruel. You could have at least told me something true. Lies hurt everyone. I was candid with you, all of you. I never did this at you. It's cruel. Now I a crying too much, have to go, happy xmas, sorry I suck, you are forgiven, I love you.
I never loved anyone the way I love you Josie
I never loved anyone the way I love you Macky
I never loved anyone the way I love you Sam
[12/14/2020]
No way I will sleep tonight, it's 1:46 and I cant stop crying. I DID NOT KICK ANY OF YOU OUT EVER! Man that lie is so awful, and so fucked up. My scumbag mother, who actually neglected us, wrote and old cousin that I am estranged from you, true. Also, I brought this on myself. She sucks. I did not do anything at my children. Now more people think I neglected or abused you. I DID NOT! This lie is so fucked up, I cant stand it. STOP LYING ABOUT ME! I was there, I spent my calories, my sweat, my love, my time my money, I was there! People think I neglected you, dont you see how fucked up that is? I never once did that. You have to stop lying about me. I miss you all, so fucking much, it hurts so much every day. Knowing you feel better off without me. Bu I didnt do anything to deserve this, and you have to stop telling people or indicating I neglected or abused you, thats really fucked up. Just confess, you didnt want me, you were young didnt know how to handle it. I assume you forgot I was the parent big on being honest, there was nothing you could not tell me, even to go away. But to blame me? My text messages to all of you are on my phone, none of them say go away, period. Full stop, I never told you to go away, it simply is not true. It's like talking to Trumo supporters. Let me type that again. Read this slow:
I have text messages from back years, to each of you and some group. Each thread is full of words, mine and some yours. None of mione say "Go Away". So, if none of my words or actios say "go away" why do you keep telling people I told you to go away? It's nuts! I never kciekd any of you out. Ever. You were clear, I am shit and please go away, so I left. Very conveninetly the day the $10,000 per college ended. Dismissed.
god fucking damnit, its not fucking true. I would know. stop lying about me. Reading my moms to words another, like I might have abused you, this is so fucked up. Say that you didnt want me anymore whatever the actual truth is. That I can deal with, because that includes no abuse and no neglect. Truth, honest, Like I was with you. The truth, that hurts less, I have no questions about if I am a good human. If you guys don't, thats on you, that does not hurt like this, tell the fucking truth.
I never hurt anyone this bad in my life. Ever.
[12/1/20]
So sometimes I type angry, I am not angry at any of you kids. The daily pain sometimes hurts a ton and I type angry. I love you each, every second of every minute of every day. I hope you are happy and doing well. If you need a kidney you got it. and of course, as since that Christmas day, I am here. I am right here, I never left. Anytime you want your father back, well, anytime you want to type that at me, I want my kids back, I never wanted them gone, so just now I am and have always been right here, just like all the words I have typed at you since this started. That I want you has never changed. know that. The truth fixes this, whatever it is, the true fixes it. But I have to keep reminding myself, you really might think I am a loser and are glad I'm gone and have no interest in me. I simply don't know if you'd ever want me back or not. If you do, and come true, that's automatic.
I never loved anyone the way I love you Sam
I never loved anyone the way I love you Macky
I never loved anyone the way I love you Josie
That is true 24/7 365 since I found out you were cells. I miss you guys so much. If you are reading this, the angry words are just venting, I am not angry at any of you.
[11/27/20]
Tonight has been awful. Sobbing, uncontrollably. What did I do? I didn't do anything at my children! I really really didn't. 4 reasons, forced him to play baseball, nope. Kicked them out of my house, nope, drunk, nope, drug addict, nope. Those are the only reasons I have been given. None are true. All that's left, is they simply are shamed of me and want me gone. so as I sob, literally, uncontrollably, these three kids wish I was not their father and wish another better man was their father. The pain of that is stark. I can only assume they are happier this way, I am sorry for not being what you wanted.
Kids, it's 11/27/20...fyi: For the first time since this started, Christmas Macky was 15, for the first time I thought, "If they came back do I really give them the chance to hurt me again?" That is not a good question, now I am crying uncontrollably again. I dont have my children, they are really gone, I am gonna live another 30 years and not have my children.
Well tonight took forever to stop crying. This hurts so much. I never felt this bad before. I didn't do anything. Sam is ashamed I am her father, Josie is disgusted by me and Macky wanted me gone so bad he made up reasons about me. either those things are true or they are not. Whatever the truth is I can face it. I am afraid the only way I'd ever get my kids back is the truth. I really have lost my children, forever, this is so fucked up, I wanted kids so bad, and I got this. I didnt do anything at my children. I swear it, I swear it, there is not one thing out of normal range I ever did at my children. I swear it. No neglect or abuse or indifference, nothing anyone would point and go "Yup kick that dad out". This feels like one of those unfair life situations a person just has to live with. My conscience is clear, my heart is broken. Again kids, I love you each with all my heart, I am sorry I didnt have enough money or enough health or enough whatever, I am sorry the way I look makes you ashamed of me, I am sorry you got jiped out the dad you want.
You have a step father, so at least you have a father figure, I am grateful for that, you will have someone to walk you down the aisle. Don't worry about me I have walked two friends down the aisle, and one more has asked, so I got to do that too. Just with other peoples kids, I guess they are not ashamed of me.
See this is the part of my life that confuses me. I mean what person has three women ask him to walk them down the aisle? It is so flattering, so warming to be loved and appreciated, invited and included, and with a couple of hundred people. People who respect me, love me. My reputation is literally kind, generous, honest. It's a lot of people who think that. But the only three people I want to see me that way see something else. It is every confusing. Not for you, you see me as you see me, I get that, it's confusing to me. If you show up at my funeral there are going to be a ton of people there. A ton, maybe as the years pass after that, you can ask yourselves, how could I have been so bad, if so many were touched by me? Maybe I wasn't, maybe we got gaslit? It's very confusing.
Kids, my conscience is clear, it is my heart that is broken. I loved you, I didnt do anything at you., nothing that deserved this.
I never loved anyone the way I love you Josie
I never loved anyone the way I love you Macky
I never loved anyone the way I love you Sam
[11/20/20]
Sometimes the anger is overwhelming. Fucking Macky, why did he have to lie about me? I don't get that? He wants to ditch me, then ditch me, why did he have to lie about me out the door? I know it's not like the worst lies ever, but when it's you, it seems really bad. Josie never really liked, she just thinks I'm shit, and did not seem to care if I knew it or not. Wow, it was so mean. I was just an automatic eye-roll, Josie I was the only father you were ever gonna have, who loved you more than anyone else did, and I disgust you. My mom disgusts me, I do not love my mom, she was a bad mom, I just didnt let her know it. You felt I was not trustworthy, you could not trust me to tell me how your day was, about friends, or boyfriends, to want to spend a second with me, a hug was like torture. That's the baby girl I got. I once grabbed you up in my arms, ran a quarter mile with you, got you to the hospital because it was hot and you had a nose bleed. Josie looked at me and said "We're used to not having you around", very painful. But true, you guys want me gone. I didn't do anything at Josie to deserve this. You got used to leaving me, I never left any of you. I am and have always been right here, I am here now and any time for truth, and to get my children back if they want. If not I'll respect their desire to have me gone. My line in the sand is, i will not be an ornament, you will have have a father, respect me as a father or not, I wont just show to pretend you have a father at weddings and stuff, that would hurt too much.
Sam is just ashamed of me. She is mortified she got stuck with such a loser ugly unpresentable dad. She got a boyfriend with rich parents and Sam was clear the $10,000 a year I gave her for for school meant nothing, the rich parents her bf got her all taken care of, she felt my presence would ruin her pre-graduation diner. I am not sure it's healthy that your mother actually made that phone call to me? She is a woman who would trap a guy for his money, and let her teen son decide his father was no good and it;s fine, dont go back. I never ever would have done that. I was so careful to not speak ill of her, but you ain't kids anymore, I dont thik those things are signs of health.
Sam next time someone gives you 10K a year for school say thanks and smile, insulting them is not polite. I give this advice not as a dad, because I guess I am not your father, just some free advice. I guess your super hero mom forgot to teach you that. I am stumped Sam, you were my mini me, I drop you off at college, then I basically see you 10 minutes a year, what happened? wow.
Yelled at for scooters, and video, homework, and asking if you're ok and that's the last four times I saw you. For a few minutes each time and in no time you are yelling at me? With disgust on your face. It makes sense now, I mean you like the rich and fancy stuff and I'm well, the son of cab driver, a poor kid. It's clear, you wanted me gone, as you can tell I will do that for you.
I went away, you dont need to think about me, but I love you and am grateful for the 18 years I got teach you things and show you things and buy things and watching you dance and act and play sports and watch movies. My mom did not do any one of those things, shes never seen me throw or catch anything. I am so grateful I got to at least have some years with you three kids doing all those things. I spent a good amount of my calories, time and money on you three kids because I love you with all my heart. As you look back, after I'm gone and you start to see all the things I did, thats not even close to how much I actually love you three kids. Have the best lives you can, I will stay away unless you want me, for real, the second that happens and the truth rules the day, you have your father back. If you want, my mom let me know that you guys are glad I'm gone, so I guess that want happen. Fuck that hurts, I didn't do anything at my children. But, whatever you need to do, do.
It's like getting punished and you didn't do it. We all lost here.
No problem. I never left my kids, they left me! I cry now, and every day, because they dont give two fucks about me. Can they tell me what I did? No, they simply do not want me, I am no fucking good. Not that I have done anything. I made a normal number of normal mistakes and zero other mistakes. My kids are simply too good for their no good piece of shit father. Awesome, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING AT MY KIDS!! PERIOD! IF IF DID AND ONE OF THEM COULD TELL ME, I COULD FIX IT. BUT NOPE I GET FUCK ALL. THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THEIR FATHER! If I'm dead, feel bad, you did this, never once giving a fuck or nothing I didn't do anything. But if you feel bad, get over it, no need to live with the pain you made me live with. I didn't do anything at my children, please please please do not lie to my grand kids, do not fucking lie to them...I was there, you had a pop, you had one. I was fucking there, you left me, took my money and left, I am begging you don not lie to my grand kids. It hurts so bad sometimes, you mother did this, I know that from day 1. 2 weeks, imagine it. 2 weeks bam pregnant!! That is trapping someone and it is immoral. She did that, that's how this starts. Yet I'm the asshole? Rant over, man it really hurts tonight, why the fuck did this happen, I didn't do fuck all to deserve to be discarded. when I type angry I dont mean the words later, I love you three with all my heart.
If your life is better without me, you got it. You cant pull at people, it makes them go away farther. Any chance I have if dying with any of you near me, you have to come to understand the one truth: I DIDNT DO ANYTHING AT MY KIDS TO DESERVE THIS. At any time in your lives, when TRUTH occurs to you, I DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE THIS TREATMENT, NOTHING! Moreover. I did do tons of very consistent stuff as your dad the DESERVES your appreciation and gratitude if not love. Have I not described this correctly? Which part have I got wrong, did I do something? Abuse? Neglect? did I hit you, not feed you, be passed out high, No I didnt. Shit you were rarely even late to school from my place. What did I do? I guess that's the answer, its not what I did, you just look at me and see someone you dont want to associate with. It's very very sad.
I never loved anyone the way I love you Josie
I never loved anyone the way I love you Macky
I never loved anyone the way I love you Sam
[11/4/20] every single minute of every single day. I didn't do anything to deserve this. Will these kids ever realize this? I didn't do anything.
[10/18/20]
Josie, my baby girl. I remember the last diaper you wore, thinking thats it you're all grown. I disgust you. I understand that. My mom is gross. I don't love my mom, she literally didn't do anything for me. She did the best she could but I am not her girlfriend, I was her youngest and she neglected us and me the most and did nothing.
I spent more calories driving you to san diego that weekend then she has spent on me my entire life. You complained I might have answered a text, while you on the bench during volley ball. I was an all star in my leagues, my mom has literally never seen me throw a ball or shoot a basketball or skate, never not once. She never came and saw me play, once. Not once. My disabled pop would drag his ass up the sky-rink steps at midnight to watch me play hockey. Not my mom.
You have a father who loves you with all of his heart. All his words to you, and you brother and sister, say the same thing. "I LOVE YOU, COME HERE". The frustration of having these words on my phone, in text messages to each of you, and for you to tell me my words are saying to "GO AWAY' is awful. The words are in English, they say I love you, I am here any time you want your father.
Welp, since none of you are here, you dont want your father. I dont know why?
You used me, Josie. Like I was piece of shit. For small Amazon stuff, I would have given you. That weekend in San Diego, you just left me there, like I was your Uber driver. It hurts so much. Sr year, I was ready to move my life to spend nights with you., you wanted my car. It hurts, I never did anything like this at any of you kids. See, I am able to list what my pain comes from. Please, do me the courtesy of the same and tell me what I did, then realize I didn't do anything at my children to warrant this. You just dont like me and threw me away.
I didnt do anything at you Josie, unless you can tell me what I did that deserves this. My conscience, at this point is clear. My heart, spirit and soul is devastated every minute of every day. I wake up upset thinking of you three, and fall alseep the same way. EVERY SINGLE DAY. The pain 0f having been left by three children I did not abuse, neglect or hurt as far as I know, is Indescribable. I have never in my life hurt someone this much.
I love you Josie, Happy Birthday. I hang my hat on you kids not being ill or whatever. But my pain will never ever ever end, three beautiful children and they think I am a piece of shit father. They have and will lie on me (I did not force anyone to play baseball or kick anyone out of my house, worst lies ever at me by anyone ever) will tell people I sucked as a dad. I did not do a anything like that. It hurts more than I could possible express every single minute if every single day.
I know your mom did this. Keep reading. It's there. I did not do one immoral thing at your mother ever. she has done two. These are facts, with dates and bank balances.
Anytime you kids want your father back, stand before me tell me what I did that warrants this, or apologize for this with tears like I have. If I did something to warrant being dismissed, tell me. Before I die, or you realize it's all lies. I didn't both neglect or abuse any of you and not neglect and abuse you. That's simply not possible, mathematically. It's one or the other, I didn't not even close. That's will never change. I didn't do anything to deserve this. It's either "parent alienation", or you just dont want me or like me. But my conscience is clear, I didn't do anything to deserve this, and did do plenty to deserve the opposite. that wont change, that is what I did, you threw me away. Realize that and you get to have a father who loves you as much as any dad lived their kids. THE TRUTH WORKS!
I didnt do anything at my children. I was a perfectly fine father. I love you. If you realize it after I croak, that you threw away a father because he was gross or ugly or not your type of person, I forgive, you, If you're 50, any of you, reading this, and I am dead, I forgive you all, dont suffer as I did over these lies.
I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children.
keep reading it, over and over, it's true. No beatings, no hunger, no dirty kids (I was sent to sleepovers with piss on me and my blankets and clothes), you guys were treasured by me. Look back, I am not lying. I love the fuck out of all of you. And I got lies and lies and more lies. And dismissed. After of course the $10,000 a year I paid for the one expensive college was done, the other two were cheap, i was totally dismissed.
Not even good enough to have dinner with the kid I gave all that college money to. More than her mother (Her mother doesnt have it, she trapped me, then married a richer guy, that is not the same as earning it.) That is the single biggest insult of my life. I am too big a piece of shit to meet a boyfriends parents. It's devastating. Nothing hurts more than what you kids have done at my life. And I forgive you.
Unless I did something at you I forgot, did I hit you? Beat you? Starve? What did I do? If any of you could finally tell me what that was, warranting this, it would help.
[END 10/18/20]
I don't think typing to you as kids, is the best tense. You're grown, old enough to war, you're old enough to hear truth from my side. Some might be hard to know. I will list the hard stuff, in numbered ordered lists, to help keep them facts and no fake news.
This blog is not dedicated to Sam, Mack and Joe, it is for them, and no one else. If it's like 2080 and someone is reading this and it helps, I'm long croaked, all good.
I'll pick someone you'll have heard of, long ago when you were my children. Like Shelley or Shane or Kyle, Alex Abrian, someone. Who's name you know, to help you find this if it's like 2050 and I'm powder spread somewhere.
[The original started here Sams Bday 2020]
Dear Sam, it is your birthday. There
you were, and I was never so in love. Perfect and beautiful and the
happiness of my life. I got 18 years, where I could look over at my
mini me and be amazed at how you looked at me. No one ever looked at me
the way you did all those years. I will know that little girl, and the
love bursting through each of my cells when she looked at me, forever.
The hugs so strong. But a memory.
Maybe you are reading this
today 10/5/20, maybe it's 10/5/50, who knows. If I never got see you
again, it is unchanged. There is not one thing, action or anything
anyone can point to, that says "Yup one day that Mase guy is gonna ditch
those kids." I am going to type it all down. This is the thing I'll
do, anyone can point to, to let them know, none of the reasons for my kids leaving me made sense. For the millionth time, these truths have never changed:
1) I always, every second, wanted each and all of my children.
2) I never kicked any of them out
3) I never forced anyone to play baseball
4) I am not an alcoholic
5) I am not a drug addict (maybe a pot head sometimes)
That
never has, never will, never could change. There is no description for
being accused and guilty of ditching your kids? On Christmas? Fathers have done that, the type of man this describes is awful. There are people who think that's me. Because they were told that, and told me that by my own son. For my son to express these false ideas, there must be real reasons. I am guilty of
those, if only I knew what it was? He wont tell me or there arent any reasons or he cant tell me. In any event I have no idea what his reasons really are. The lies are not true.
Why I have no children? All
day every day, if I am not required to think of work or some social
thing, my un-required thoughts are on on you three, every second of
them. Trying to answer, why? why why why why why? I didn;t do anything at my children.
The Story From My Side
My part of the story. About 9 months earlier, Jennifer broke up with me, we were living together. I had started dating, maybe a like 4 or 5 months later. Mostly Elizabeth, who I wanted to wife up, but she did not. And Suzanna, that was just dating. But, I had met my next gf, she was out of town part that winter, bad timing, I was awaiting her return.
One of times I bumped into mom she let me know clearly she would not mind hanging out, I was all "cool". Really thinking, the first time we dated will be a tie if we hang out a little now. We'll hang out a couple of weeks (everything lasted two weeks back then), that was it. She was older, I was just living going in my direction. After a week or so I was done, she didn't like me, I didn't like her.
No Fake News Allowed Only Math
1) She was like 36
2) I was like 32
3) She was already divorced,
If any of those facts bother you, then I'm sorry, but these are facts. What she does next is immoral.
A couple of weeks or so go by, there she is, yelling at me she is pregnant and I have to marry her. I think I chuckled and said no immediately. I dont even know her, we dont even like each other. How would you feel? Her ex Smitty was like literally warning me she nuts, I was all 'I know, I'm good, I'm out.' Then this, pregnant.
Why would a person, ditch her own path so easily?
These facts do not describe anything else. If at this point you think I am hating on your mom, please point to where my words indicate that. These are facts, I am not throwing shade. These facts do not indicate anything else. She trapped me. It is immoral, it is gas lighting, and it is what happened. I did not see this for what it was, the moron I am. lol.
About 7 months into pregnancy, I was about to sign for a 2 bedroom on 86th just off Central Park West. Sunken living room, anne might have seen it. But it was for me Sam and the nanny, not mom. I didn't even know her. I remember having to tell the people I was dating and having fun with, I cant see them anymore and thinking what is happening?
I did not sign, because I wanted Sam to go to ps87, and that is ps9 territory. So either I find a place in the 70's or move at least once in the next four years.
Had I just signed, it would not have been so easy to get gaslighted. Now to be clear, no judge could have given Sam to mom. She was broke, has many disorders, measurable ones, I do not. I would have gotten tested again for court, I do not have mental disease.
Regardless of what any of you think, I am available to to go to any place, any time, and take any exam, any of you want. I will always be open to that and making something better if it needs it. I do not have mental disease, I have been tested, and again, your diagnosis Sam is not enough. Pick a place I'll go. I am not sure how else to settle that. If I am mentally ill that is a truth I can face. I have no problem with any truth. True is the most valuable commodity the universe gives us. All I ask, please do not rely on your diagnosis. That would be such a sad road block. Pick a place. I will go get tested any time. Facts matter.
There is no fake news here. None. Notice we did not get married until Sam's face was in my arms and I was so filled with love, I was looking at Sam when I told her would could get married.
So, like 7 months in, we are coming back from our time share in the Hamptons I pull over on Columbus and 77th, in front of is44 and I am done. I am like "You have to go to Laurels!", I am not kidding, I do not want her, just Sam, this was messed up. She had no right to do that. When she knew I did not want her, she was supposed to leave. She did not want me either, remember, she does not like me, she wanted my money. These are facts. It's immoral. I did not do this at her. That day on Columbus Ave, She gas lighted me for the last time, I did not sign for that apt, and she steamrolled me. How is that me doing something at her? And how did I respond? I stood the fuck up. How many men bail? Not your pop, I am a stand up man. My conscience is clear.
Blackmail: After four years of getting yelled at by the woman who trapped me, I go back to nyc for two years, come back we split. I gave her half the money I had made. I gave thousands of dollars a month every single month without fail. When she ran out, she came to me and said "If you dot give me more of your half of your money that I already got half of, I will turn you in to the fed and have you arrested as I was behind on my taxes, (which I a not anymore).
That is also immoral. It is also a federal crime to extort money. She did these things. By my count we have 2 immoral acts at me from her, and zero from me to her. These are facts kids, facts matter.
What kind of woman has an ex, who doesn't argue about any of the divorce, does not get a lawyer or go to court, pays every month. Even pays extra money any time asked for clothes or trips or anything, with no receipts needed, no court rooms, no hassles, I just paid. Like clock work there for his kids who he loves. Coaching at least 9 teams, if they are signing or dancing I am there. Encourage hobbies, turn rooms into art studios, music studios, lessons, stuff, more money than 94% of the other kids, great provider. what is the issue?
You were hardly ever tardy from my house. I required nothing of her, never asked her for a thing, and she yelled and yelled. What woman doesn't want that divorce? it's sick! Yet I never let it spill on you. Always my words when you got frustrated at her "Everyone has a process, she is dong the best she can", what must the message have been about me, to end up here? It's sick. Facts matter.
I Have The Calories
My big Sam thing
the
shame you must feel to have your mom dis-include me to that diner. The
disappointment, that I am your father. That you come from me, not
suitable to meet your boyfriend's parents. My daughter would have done
that herself. I am not sure how we get past that one.
The
mental illness involved on the part of a mother, to not look down at a
child a respond "That man loves you to the moon, he just gave you ten
thousand dollars a year for school. If you dont want want him, then you
tell him" As much harm as your your mom has caused me, I still would
have done that if it were me.
I mean I dropped you off, and
have not stopped crying. Since then you find 10 mins a year to yell at
me. To flick at me like I am stuck bug. And why? See list above, I
wish I knew what I did, of if you could just let me know, it's because
you dont like me or think I am a loser? why why why, I can handle the
truth. I just want to know what the truth is. Because I sure as fuck
didn't beat anyone.
I
dont know how we recover from that. My disappointment in you hurts
more than your rejection of me. I will always know you think I am a
loser. The issue is my pop, if you are ashamed to be related to me, you
would be mortified to have his genes in you. He was my hero and my
only teammate I ever had, not even my kids.
But the
little girl I had, I am so grateful for. Thise years, that look on my
mini me's face. The speed she would enter the house on Thursdays, run
into my room, drop her books hop on the bed, and chatter chatter. I love
those times. I thank for you letting me have them. Some of the best
moments of my life, that look. On the double Decker bus at Disnley
land. Thank you Sam. I hope today is the birthday you wanted. I
stayed away, so I did my part. Because I love you.
And now I
type, spending my calories, finally having sorted out a way to leave
permanent concrete proof, I never ever rejected my children. If it's
2050, this is day one, 10/5/20. I will keep typing and date each
addition, maybe sort it into a proper blog, only you three and me. And
the person who told you about it after I croaked. Like Shelley or Kyle
or Shane Alex Abrian someone you know I can trust. For now, it os one
document.
Samantha Lucille Woods, my goodness you were born
today and I was never so in love and so happy about anything ever. Thank You!
My Big Macky Thing
My heart is shattered. has been since Macky left me when he was 15. My
conscience is clear, heart shattered. Fathers' do those things: never
show up, constantly promise and disappoint, don't keep care of the kids
washing feeding, call them name like "shit head" and "loser". Some beat
and molest their kids, gamble, drink, drugs, violence etc. So, it has
to be something, I am left to suppose.
He was so disgusted that he got stuck with me for a father, he used false reasons.
1)
I forced him to play baseball, the dads who do that on tv, and they
are dicks. This lie sucked. Why would someone lie on me like this?
2)Kicked him out.
Lies lies lies.
The
son who could have picked anything, pottery I would have gotten him a wheel, fixing computers,
stargazing a telescope, literally anything...He had a pop who would have supported him in anything and he lied on me. It's devastating.
Why does he not say "Yeah I dont like
my pop, but he sure would have supported me in anything", like that's
true. Why not say that?
He has a father, who loves him
with all his heart, would have supported and encouraged him in
anything. He lied, told people his dad kicked him out of his life and
house and forced him to play baseball.
The lies hurt, but the
reasons remain a guess to me, I have apologized over and over generally,
as I have no concrete reason from any of you. I know you kids think you
have told me why you left me but you have not. He is disgusted that he got stuck with me
for a father, with no explanation, just baseballs, I kicked him out, I
am an alcoholic and drug addict, all not true. There have been no other
reasons given.
My Big Josie Thing
My
Josie, was once mine for one moment, when she was a week old, she
allowed herself to rest on my chest and watch a a Jets game on tv. That
was the last time she loved me, I guess I am just disgusting, I didn't
do anything to her either to deserve this. Literally I have not had one
reason given to me to exlain this for any of you three.
So it's
just the disgust, I guess. That you guys got stuck with me for a lousy
stupid disgusting father, who hundreds of other people love and
respect. My conscience is clear, I didn't do anything to deserve this,
my mistakes, were plenty, normal, and ALL WELL within normal range. Not one
was outside normal range. I made plenty, but not the "dispose of your
father" kind, not one, ever, and no of you has named one, my conscience is
clear.
You three just dont like me or want me, or it is parent alienation. I could never ever had made that phone call to your mom excluding me form a graduation dinner, it's sick and ill. If Sam asked me to make that call, my respsonse is you do it, that man gave you more of his own money for college than I did. $10,000 a year, never messed a payment. You want to insult the man who loves you do it. Not you mom, she had point to make. Just dont look at her immorality and blame dad for this. It's sick. I never would have done that, it's sick.
While I have
little hope of ever knowing or having you three as children ever
again...It would be nice to know why my, heart has been shattered for
every minute of every second since Christmas that year. But some
questions we dont get answers for.
I know Sam, I remember very well,
you have nothing to do with Macky and Josie. I remember, every man for
themself., You did not learn that from me. You did learn there some
mistakes we dont get to make. How do I ever forget, you had your mom
call me, to dis invite me to a pre graduation dinner, I assume because
you think I am not good enough or you dont like me enough or think I am a
loser or whatever. I simply am not good enough to meet your boyfriend's
parents. Nothing ever, not even Macky's lies hurt me more than that. I
have never been so hurt in my life. I have never ever done anything
that awful to anyone. I forgive you.
Nothing, literlly, ever. I
give you $10,000 for school and you have 10 mins a year to stop by, get
me out of the way and leave. Each time you yell at me, videos of my mom,
scooters, homework, graduation, you just yell at me, like I am gutter bumb and the
final insult, like I am a disgrace to lousy to meet your boyfriends parents.
I
cry every day. Every second I am not required to think of something
else, I think and am in pain over my kids throwing me away like garbage with
no explanation that is real. The anger and the pain is unbearable sometimes, but I'll do it. I forgive each of you.
You kds should know, I have never ever evevr changed my position. I never ever kicked anyone out, I never forced anyone to anyhting actually, Josie still have not dine a dish. Lies lies lie. My kids would be brave wnough to fce turht. I will face any truth you have. I forgive you each and as always, snce the first secnd I foudn out you were cells, I madly truly deeply love you each and never left. I have always been right here and every single word I have ever typed to you says so.
I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children.
Keep reading that sentence , prove it true or false. Of course if you just dont care, none of this matters, and here I go crying again. How could you three not care about me? This is the worst feeling I've ever had. It's so mean. I didn't do anything to warrant this. Unless I did, then I'm begging you tell me what it was.
I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children, I didn't do anything at my children.
[End 10/18/20 Josie day]
I forgive you, no matter the year, my status, no matter anything. Your father loves you as much as any father has loved his kids. I told you, the words are important. You wanted me gone. If I pulled at you, you go farther away or I get a hostage. No thanks. I am your father. I love you with all my heart and soul and spirit and vision, all of it. Every single moment of every single day since I found out you were cells. Please don't let my grankids think I did bad things at you. I didn't do anything to warrant this. Again, I love you each and all, very very very much, more than I have ever loved, or been loved.
[1/24/21]
Please remember, I thought should I edit? delete?...all the angry words. No, that would be lying. The angry words are just that, just a release valve. All that matters if how much I care, I love you each and every second, as long as you three are ok that is all that matters.
I never loved anyone the way I loved you Samantha
I never loved anyone the way I loved you Macky
I never loved anyone the way I loved you Josie
I am sorry it did not work out how you wanted. I never got a reason from you three aside from the four I wrote about too many times above. I did not do anything to get kicked out of your life. I am saying, I had my miseries in life, my kids, my health, but I was not miserable. If there was a reason you should have told me what it was. So my heart was broken, but my conscience was clear, I didn;t do anything at my children. If there was a reason so awful I could not remember and you could not tell me I am sorry I did that thing. If not, you are forgiven anytime it hits you. I didnt do anything at my children, I never could. I love you each and all with all my heart and soul.
The End I guess. My heart's been feeling funny physically lately. Alex just called to make sure I'm still alive, lol. We'll see what happens next. Don't be too hard on your mom. My mom, brother and sister did not like me, I liked each of you :) Just wanted you know that. Ask Shelley how to be a good sister she is great at that. Shelley, Shane Kyle Alex and Abrian would always be there for you, and others always.
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